Back To School..

This time of year is bittersweet for me. It hasn’t always been but this year, I’m really struggling with it. “Back to school!” with all of it’s school supply prepping, backpack buying, new clothes shopping and pictures. The meet and greet of new teachers and classmates fills the air with excitement and a hope of everything the new year could bring. It’s a wonderful time, but I find myself more in a place of sadness this year.

Will Jaxon ever get to experience going “back to school?” Will I ever get to buy him a backpack for more than overnights with Nana & Papa? These are trivial things, I know. If you don’t personally know and haven’t felt the place I’m in, then I doubt you would understand the depth to these questions, my thoughts and the emotions I’m experiencing. Will I always be his teacher? Will he ever get to make new friends? Those questions then grow into to more deeper questions, the root issues. Will he always be defined and confined by his autism? Am I limiting him somehow? I know parents make mistakes, but some days I am wrecked questioning every move I’ve made.

I’ve always been driven by knowing the truth, the facts, and harnessing that into a way to improve, be better and do better. Even with my children’s diagnosis’, I’ve never wanted it to be a crutch or an excuse for a ‘why not.’ I’ve encouraged them to chase their dreams, be all they can be, and go after what makes them happy. I know they have strengths and weaknesses- but we all do. We learn to lean into the areas that hold us back and to give it our all in the areas we are strongest. That same principle applies to my children as well. They are not less than, or limited because of- they are who they are and they can do what they can do, in spite of. And they come with things they can’t do, because they are humans. None of us are super humans.

So as back to school starts, I get a little sad for my one that has never been privileged to experience it. Not all experiences are meant to be experienced, I know that. I know God has plans for my baby, regardless of where he has or hasn’t gone to school. It’s more of being sad about the hope of what a new year could bring: new friends, new experiences, new stories. It feels a little deja vu returning to our kitchen. Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful that God has provided everything we’ve needed in this area and that Jax has made strides from where he once was. And that is not just the Mama in me talking. God has been faithful and He has blessed us, I don’t deny or mean to taint that at all.

I understand school is going to look and feel and be different for everyone this year. I know a lot bigger things are going on in the world today than for me to be sad about my baby not going “back to school.” I know that. I also know that his life is different than most. His future will look different than his peers. Maybe God is showing His grace by keeping certain doors shut because Jax is completely unaware that he is in anyway different than anyone else and if he were in school, it would be pointed out and highlighted. It would be unavoidable. Still, I can’t help the Mama in me. I’m only human, too.

I would like to ask a favor from anyone that reads this, if you feel compelled, I’d love for you to send pictures, stories, memes, videos- anything encouraging to my son Jax. I want to establish a connection with the world around him. I’d love for you to be apart of impacting his life, his world, in such an encouraging and inspiring way.

Some Fast Facts:
Jaxon (aka Jax) is 7 years old, 2 years delayed.
He loves funny animal videos and cats. Especially cats.
You’ll never convince him the superheroes do not exist.
He’s a self-proclaim “savage beast” on fortnite.
He thinks Jon Cena can take on the whole word.
He listens to “turn down for what” on repeat, daily.
He says the word “yeet” all the time, even if it’s just to himself.

He would love to “make friends” and get to know you.
Use this email address jaxontoles@gmail.com to send him positive (child friendly/appropriate) and encouraging notes, pictures, videos, memes, etc. We will respond back! 🖤

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