Intentional Intentions

Intention was my 2020 word of the year.

Intention, noun;
▪️A thing intended; an aim or plan
▪️The action or fact of intending

I like using the word in all it’s forms. 

So when I see the words intentional intentions written side by side, I’m reminding myself of my 𝗱𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗯𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹𝘀 or 𝗽𝘂𝗿𝗽𝗼𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝗻𝘀 for the year.
▪️Deliberate: adjective; done consciously and intentionally
verb; engage in long and careful consideration
▪️Purpose(d): verb; have as one’s intention or objective

What is my heart seeking after the most?
Where is my time being dedicated?
What are my habits revealing?

I want to be intentional with my actions.
I want to be intentional with my words.
I want to be intentional with my time.
But How?

It hasn’t been two weeks since I was told “It’s MS.”
I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of processing this and maybe that’s part of the process.
I know. I know it is ok.
I know I am ok.
I know it will all be ok.
I know.
But I am human with real and raw human emotions.
It’s how my Maker made me- human. It’s an experience that my Savior knows and feels on very deep and personal level. He can relate. I know he relates to me and that brings me comfort.
I don’t have to hide how I feel.
I don’t have to hide when I cry.
I don’t have to hide my worry or my fears or my heartbreak because he knows it and he sees it and he can feel it- and he holds me.
I need to be held.
I can feel all the things I’m feeling in my Savior’s arms and I can find my way to peace in knowing that He has a planned purpose for me, my life and this journey.
He has an INTENTION for me.

But can I just say some raw honesty? I don’t know what the future looks like with/for my children now and not knowing scares me. I have an active teenage boy about to hit so many milestones and do some many things- I don’t want to miss out on a single moment, or milestone or accomplishment. My daughter. Oh, my firece baby girl. She needs a strong and heathy mama that is active and readily available to handle her and all the ways God created her. Her brain is so hardwired in ADHD and sensory issues and I am her calm and center. And then my pecious baby boy that trots down Autism lane unbeknownst to him and he needs me in every single area of his life. Everything he does, I teach him to do.

So, what happens now?
Will my eyes eventually fail me? Will I not be able to look at my beautiful children anymore? Will my left arm always be weak and numb or give up on me completely? The same arm that scooped my babies up without hesitation and held them so tightly now just burns when I use it. All these things rush through my mind now and I know I can’t force them away and ignore them anymore.
I am homeschool mom.
I am a special needs mom.
I am a mom of three.
I am a wife.
I feel like everything has changed.
And in a way, a very odd and unexplainable way- I feel like nothing hasn’t. Yet. I now have an answer for why and what I feel and that’s been like a breath of fresh air to me- because I was really starting to feel like I was losing my mind. So what do I do now?

I am reminded of my word for 2020.

Set Your Intention. Be intentional.
Deliberate, Purposed Intentions.

I don’t have to know the answers to all my questions right now because I can rest easy in knowing that I know and believe in the One who does know and has all the answers and I can bank on His plans for my life to be an intentional intention for good and prospersity in my life. He loves me. That’s all the intention I need right now.

“I know my plans and thoughts for you, declares the Lord. They are plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans that will give you the future you hope for.”

Joshua 29:11

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s